Men (pt.1)

At first I thought of writing a post on the "Man of the Day" awards-- which man was the most annoying or infuriating in his advances on me each day. It could have been funny. It could have been witty. It could have made you laugh, and cry, and feel for me, while wishing you could see it happen just once. But that doesn't do the issue the justice it deserves.

First, let me say that islanders have pre-conceptions of what American women are like. They've seen the movies and they know how we normally like to behave. Can I use the word? Sluts. Yeah, they assume that we're sluts. Isn't that a great way to start things off? So every day I have to demonstrate that I'm a woman worthy of respect and not the loose woman they assume I am.

Second, let me point to my passport. It's American. If I marry someone not from America it will be (according to speculation) far easier for my husband to go to America.

Third, polygamy is widely accepted here, especially among the men. While a married woman is not on the market (unless she decides to have a boyfriend on the down low), every man over 16 is on the prowl-- married or not.

So, the combination of all these different points adds up to me being put in difficult situations with men every day. Let me give you a few cases:

Case 1) I rode in a taxi to another town. There were two other women in the car along with the driver who was male. Shortly before my stop the other two women got out. Less than 20 feet down the road after they exited the car, the driver turned and asked me, "So, are you married?" "No." "Engaged?" "No." "Will you marry me?" "No." "Why not?" Harmless, but annoying.

Case 2) A man who rode with me in a taxi. He spoke English, so I couldn't pull the "Sorry, but I'm not understanding you" card. He proposes marriage with the incentive that "then I can practice my English." Sure... yeah. Nope. During that conversation I told him that I would never marry someone who was from a different religion. "Oh but it would be fine! We'd each pray in our own place and be happy!" Nope. I exited the taxi after refusing to give him my phone number "to practice English" and after offering him my boss' phone number instead.
-- Part 2-- On my way home that same night my taxi driver had the insane "fortune" of picking up the exact same man. This time he took a different track: let's be friends! But here on the islands men and women aren't friends. "Friends" is man code for sleeping together on the side. He kept asking me if he could come home with me... if he could be my friend... and finally when I told him that I didn't have men-friends, all my friends were women, he asked, "So you sleep with women?" Greeeeeaaaat. I didn't have to pretend to be angry to preserve my honor. I was legitimately furious.

Case 3) The other day was a holiday. On my way to a teammate's house for worship I was visiting with neighbors and mentioned where I was going. A man came along at that moment and offered to walk me there. I told him "no, I walk by myself all the time." I start walking. He's walking just behind me and keeps taking the same turns. He offers to walk with me again and I've heard him greeted very respectfully by multiple people so I think he's probably somewhat of an important person. So I shrug and he takes that as yes. Yeah... it wasn't no... so I suppose it was yes? During the rest of the 20 minutes we were in each other's presence he continues to not take my initial "no" as an answer and pushes boundaries making me very uncomfortable. His sister's house was on the way and since visiting people is good form on holidays we stopped briefly because the man said he needed to take a picture. Then he ends up taking pictures of me.... by the time we reach my teammate's house he has proposed that we be a couple and very special friends. Nope. Not happening. So in parting he asks for a kiss! (sidenote: islanders do the French cheek kiss commonly)
-- Part 2 -- The next morning he shows up at the door at 8 AM with pictures for me. I ignore him and Jess tells him to go away. She later informs our friend downstairs that I absolutely do not want to see him again and if he won't take a no from her then send him to Jess. I tell the downstairs friend similarly.
-- Part 3 -- I ran into the man a week later in town. He apologized for his behavior previously and blamed it on "misunderstanding." Yeah. Right. Evidently the elderly lady downstairs was the one who got to chew him out. But the man had something to show me before he left: very handy in his bag was a picture of me... and in bright pink English words edited over the top of it: "I LOVE YOU." Well who could resist that, huh?

Case 4) While walking home one day a man greeted me then introduced me to his sister and mother. Okay no big deal right? Then he asked me to look in his shop... sure, that happens all the time. They want the rich white person to buy everything in the shop. Well, not this time. As soon as I was 5 feet inside the shop he popped the question, "So, will you marry me?" No, I'm not looking for a husband." (see note below) "Friend then?" "All my friends are women." "Why not?" It took me several minutes to disengage from the conversation and get out of there.

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"So," you say, "what's the big deal?" It's just questions. Just comments. Just men looking for a trophy wife/slut who will give them what they want (money, American visas, sex). But the underlying mentality is appalling: men are free to seek whatever they want and women must hold the lines of morality. And on a daily basis this is wearing. Some days I dread having a man talk with me because of it.

And it's just a symptom of an underlying problem. The culture is sick. It needs drastic Change. It needs the transforming power of the Good News. When I pray and consider it in that light it's easier to deal with. I don't expect sinful people to be righteous. But I long for the day when that will no longer be accepted or ignored. 

(Part two: coming soon?)

*I don't have to look-- my Father can provide in His own timing.